Saturday 6 October 2012

For anyone who has lost someone...


I'm writing this post for any of you who have experienced loss.
It's something that every single one of us will have to go through at some point in our lives, I just happened to go through it quite early on in mine. I'm no expert, I'm still dealing with my own loss, but if I can help just one person who is going through something similar, or who has gone through it, then that's all that matters.

I recognize that everyone grieves differently, but I'm going to talk to you about my own experience, which was losing my beautiful Mother to cancer just over two years ago.
I'll never forget the moment we were told Mum had cancer. I literally just burst into tears. The sense of shock running through me was indescribable, I’ve never felt anything like it since.
My mum never really wanted to speak about being ill, she never gave too much away, she just carried on living as normally as she could and having fun. When I look back now, I completely understand why she did this and why she didn't tell us. After just over a year, she lost her battle.

I was lucky enough to be in a situation where I was able to leave everything and go and look after my mum towards the end when she became very poorly. I'd literally just handed in my dissertation when I found out, so I was able to just up and leave. My sister was free-lance at the time too, so she did the same (thank God we had each other). Although caring for and nursing my mum in the 3 months before she died was the most horrendous thing I'll ever go through, I'm so glad I did it. Seeing your Mum not being able to talk or move, and in pain, is something that you can never prepare yourself for. In a strange way it puts my mind at ease that she knew every day when she woke up that my sister and I were there for her. When she had to be moved to the hospice, we moved in too, we had little camp beds set up in her room, we didn't want to spend a minute away from her.

Straight after my mum died, everything changed in my life. Literally. I had to move flats. I'd finished my third year of university so all my friends had moved away. I had to start a new job. I fell out with someone who I thought was a really close friend. My sister, (my only family) lived 2 hours away. I couldn't go 'home' because home wasn't there to go to. I've never felt more alone or lost in my entire life. I felt like I had nothing stable, routine or constant in my life. All of these changes along with losing the most important person to me, (the person I would normally turn to for all of these things) were extremely hard to process and deal with.

After (and during) losing someone, you go through this crazy intense concoction of horrible toxic emotions. I felt like I completely lost myself, and I couldn't see anything good in life anymore, I just didn't see the point in anything.
The main two things I remember distinctly, were feeling numb and like the whole thing was extremely surreal. It felt like I was in some hideous nightmare, or that I was looking down at someone else’s life, not mine. I just couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it.
I became really good at pretending I was okay, I didn't think anyone would want to be around me if I was upset all the time. The only time I would ever really show my emotion would be if I'd had too much to drink. Which was never a good idea. I got really angry about what had happened, then scared that I could have done something to change it. I started to become really resentful of other people, for having families, homes, and not being grateful enough for them. I'd get frustrated that no one knew how to console me or what to say to me. It made me terrified of losing people, and made me scared to get close to anyone incase I lost them. I saw how fragile everything actually is. 
 I felt really disconnected from everything and everyone. Sometimes I still feel all of these things.  

I thought I would share with you a few of the things that have helped me...

*Don't be afraid to ask for help, this doesn't mean you are weak.

*Express your feelings in a creative way, I write in a diary and sometimes draw pictures around quotes I like. Try and express your feelings, turn them into something productive, or something beautiful.

*If you feel like you need answers or don't understand something that happened to ther person you've lost, write a letter to their GP or hospital. They are really good with this and usually reply within 2 weeks. I wrote a letter to my Mums GP and hospital asking them to explain everything to me, from dates of appointments to medication, right up until the end. This is a tough letter to read, but does help with getting a sense of closure.

*Find some positive quotes or lyrics about life (or death, whatever helps) and write them down. When you feel particularly bad, read through them all. I still do this now.

*Really look after yourself. Eat things you love, treat yourself shopping. Do anything that gives you even the tiniest glimpse of happiness.

*Find some music that you absolutely love, and get lost in it every day. Don't think about anything else while you’re listening to it. Let it be total escapsim.

*If you feel you need to, speak to a professional. You can go to your doctors and be referred to a councilor (completly free through the NHS up to 6 sessions or more if they think you need it), or you can find one privately. I went to 3 or 4 sessions with a councilor just after my mums passing, I don't think I was quite ready for this at the time, it was all still sinking in and I wasn't really ready to talk about it or process my feelings. Now I think I may be ready in the near future to try again, if I need to.

*There are other ways to speak to professionals too, you don't have to be in the same room as person. You can just call up a bereavement line, or even chat in online forums with people. Staying connected and being able to relate to people helps an awful lot, trust me. I spent one evening chatting to a few random people in a Macmillan forum one night. It did feel a little strange, but everyone was going through something similar, and in a strange kind of way, that's comforting.

*Try not to push family and friends away. I still struggle with this now.

*Don't feel guilty for having happy moments, relish in them. Sometimes I think I used to feel bad if I was laughing or happy, I thought other people must have been thinking 'why isn't she upset, her mum just died'. Even if they were thinking this, it doesn't matter. Don't ever feel bad for it.

*If you need to acknowledge the person you have lost, do it.
This year my boyfriend took me to the Bahamas, at one point I was totally alone on the most perfect beautiful beach you could possibly imagine, it blew me away. Then I got this overwhelming feeling of sadness that my mum would never experience it, that I couldn’t even tell her about it. Instead of getting upset, I just decided to say hello to my mum. It sounds a little strange, but I said 'Hi mummy particles, I wonder if any of you ended up here?! I wish you could see what I'm seeing'. That was enough, and I felt better.

Those are just some tiny things that helped me.

I used to have days, weeks even when I would just think to myself 'when will this stop hurting? When will it go away?' I hate to say it, but the truth is, that it doesn't. You just learn to live with it, you slowly learn to deal with it in another way, other wise it eats you up. It will change your whole life, and weather you choose to make this positive or negative is completely up to you. You have to be the strong one.

I suppose my main message is that you are NOT alone, and you don’t have to go through any of this alone, so please don't ever think that.
Things will get better. There are always people out there you can talk to who are going through the same thing, or just professionals who are there specifically to help you. Sometimes people won’t know what to say to you, but that's okay, it's probably because they've never been through something like this and it's hard to relate to. Heck, I've been through it, come out the other end, and I still don't know what to say to people. But I understand that now.

Even now I still get those little pangs of resentment towards people, and I hate myself for that, but I can't help it. I feel frustrated, angry and upset that I can't share everything with my mum, like everyone else. So much in my life has changed that she'll never know about. And, no matter how old you are, you always need your Mum right? I want her to know how happy I am now, even silly things like telling her what my favourite book is at the moment. Her death has totally changed me, I feel like a totally different person, in so many ways. Of course I'm still me, but I see everything so differently now. I can be in the bleakest situation, but I know, ultimately I'll be okay. When things feel impossible, I force myself to consciously look for the beauty in life. Everything has beauty, you just have to teach yourself how to see it, let the past make you into a better person.

Try to remember that life is, for the most part, pretty amazing. You need to lap it up while you can. For me, right now, I feel like I'm finally in a good place in my life where everything is going well and I can say that I am truly happy. Of course I miss my mum, I think about her every single day, and I’ll always carry that sadness within me, but that's part of who I am now, and I have to carry on. I've learnt that it's okay to let go, everything will be okay.
We only get one chance at living in this funny old world, we might as well try to enjoy it as much as we can. Every minute you spend being upset or negative, is a minute that could have been spent being happy. Remember that life is fragile and time really is precious.

So, if you've made it to the end of this loooong post, do something for me. No matter where you are or what you're doing today, give your Mum (or Dad or Grandad, Sister etc) a call, even a text or email and just let them know how much you love them.

61 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for that. I lost my dad nearly a year ago and sometimes I burst into tears randomly. It happened we during my last year of uni but it made me more determined to do well n came out with a first. I also lost my grandma 2 months later and it was seriously the worst months of my life. It is so upsetting that he will never see my new house or walk me down the aisle. Heartbreaking. If you ever need someone to talk to I totally know what it's like to lose a parent. Xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, I so admire you for sticking it out at uni, and getting that result. If i'd known my mum was ill in my 3rd year i dont think i could have carried on, i really respect you for that, and well done. I know exacly what you mean, that's the first thing that popped into my head when I found out my mum was terminal, she'll never get to meet my children, and miss all the pivotal moments in my life now. I can totally relate to you, if you ever need a chat I'm only a tweet or email away. Keep being strong, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job xx

      Delete
    2. Aww I was just looking through ur fab blog and saw ur reply! I hate that blogger doesn't tell u! I hope ur doing okay lovely. It's weird that I got engaged in December too! Big congrats!! I'm sure ur mum is super proud :) xxx

      Delete
  2. This is beautifully written. I lost my Grandad, who lived with me, just before I moved away to uni and it took me ages to learn how to deal with it. Because I was suddenly thrown into a new environment, it took my mind off it but coming home for his funeral during freshers week was like a punch in the chest. I couldn't stop crying and for years after that, I'd have moments where I just felt so sad that he isn't around anymore and just broke down. I'm so sorry you had to lose your Mum at such a young age. I agree, loss is something that you can ever truly get over; it's something you learn to cope with and feels better with time. And it truly makes you appreciate the time you spend with people you love <3 xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw you poor thing, all loss is difficult, but I definitely think other big changes in your life around the same time as losing someone make it all that much more overwelming. I'm sure your grandad would b very proud of you, thank you for the lovely comment xxx

      Delete
  3. this is such I lovely post, I'm sure your mum would be really proud of you! I can't imagine want you've been through and honestly I wouldn't want too but I'm sure I will sometime in my life. the closest person I've lost is my nana, she was like a second mum too me and my sisters, I was only young but I can just remember crying all the time.

    im glad you've been able to deal with it recently and I'm always here if you need to talk :) your definitely not alone! :) xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw thank you so much honey, you're such a lovely lady :) So sorry to hear about your nana, i've never known my grandparents so I can't imagine how upsetting that must have been. Sending you a giant cyber hug :) x

      Delete
  4. This such a lovely post and must of been difficult to post. I completely respect you and send my wishes xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you, that's a really nice thing to say :) x

      Delete
  5. Beautiful blog post, it had me in tears the whole way through. I rely heavily on my mum and confide in her about a lot of things so I can't even imagine how painful it must of been to lose yours. It must of been so hard to write such an emotional post but I've no doubt this will help other people who're suffering and for people like myself, who have been incredibly lucky to keep hold of family it'll make them appreciate those closest even more.

    Beautiful girl, beautiful soul and just know that if you ever need a talk you've all us blogging girlies to chat with when you need a release!

    MASSIVE interweb hug!

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw such a lovely comment, you nearly had me in tears just reading it. I'm so glad you're close to your mum hun, not enough people are, so treasure that :)
      awww thank you, same goes for you too, I'm always around for chats with you lovely blogging ladies, I'm so overwelmed by how much support everyone shows :)

      huge interweb hug back :) xx

      Delete
  6. Beautifully written Hun-I'm sure your mum would be o proud of the person you are today! I lost my brother 16 yrs ago which started a long string on loss's for the following 10yrs to follow that. Although I'd change it in an instant to have him back, I really do believe it has mad me such a strong person (probably because I've ha to be). I tried counselling about 2 years father he passed away but I wasn't ready-tried again when I was 16 and it was the best decision I made-I had an amazing counsellor and we spent 2 whole years chatting away! I still have my moments where I just cry for no reason but I think that'll never change-it's natural.
    I'm currently trying to use my strength to help my best friend who just lost her brother last week to cancer and hope that she can lean on me as much as he needs to! If you ever need to talk then please, feel free-I have 2 rather big ears that are always happy to listen! Lots of love xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. wow, I can't imagine what you must have been through, you poor little thing. Good for you for coming out stronger after all of it and being able to be there for your friend too.
      Councillings a difficult one isnt it, I'm so pleased it helped you so much, and the same for you, if you ever need to talk, I'm all ears :) x

      Delete
  7. This is such a beautiful post! I cried a little bit too. :(

    I've never lost anyone very close to me (the closest being my cousin in a car accident)and in a way it's terrifying because I'm so close to them, I'm scared of how I will react when my parents die...like...I can't even fathom it. I'm going to bookmark this post for future reference and I just want to say you're such a strong and beautiful person!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw thank you honey. I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin, that's so sad. Yeah i think it's one of those things that scares everyone, but just know that when it happens, there is so much support out there you can turn too :) x

      Delete
  8. this is an amazing post. i lost my nanna 5 years ago (it feels like yesterday) and even though it still hurts i find i am able to look at photos of her and think and talk about her without totally breaking down now. my uncle is suffering from cancer and it looks like he only has a few days left, so this post is perfect timing, thank you. im sure its helped so many people already and will continue to do so - i know i will definitely revisit it over the next few months and years to remind myself how to keep going. really brave of you for sharing, thankyou xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw you brave lady, it can be so hard to look at photos sometimes. I think you get to a certain point though where youve accepted it, and its mostly just the good memories left. I know when I wrote this post i thought i was going to get really upset, but i was actually surprised how okay i was. It actaully made me feel better after i'd written it!
      So sorry to hear about your uncle hun, its such a horrible thing. Stay strong, sending you a massive hug, if you need me, my contact details are on my blog :) x

      Delete
  9. Beautiful post and I'm sure you have helped many people who have come across it. I'm so sorry for your loss but I guess you've heard that a billion times since it happened and will probably continue to hear it for a while yet! Whereever your Mum is I'm sure she's looking down on you and is willing you to be the best person you could possibly be for her and for everyone around you.

    I respect the amazing courage it must have taken to write such an emotional post. Sometimes it is nice to read somthing other than the usual beauty posts.

    Like Golden Glow said, we're all here if you ever need to talk.

    Sarah xoxoxoxoxxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you for being so sweet :) I cant believe what a wonderful reaction everyone has given, so supportive. And I'm here if you ever need to talk too :) x

      Delete
  10. This is such a nice post to write. My mum had cancer recently and although she's fine now, I still get sad sometimes and I don't really know why, but this post has helped so thank you. You're obviously a very strong person for writing this and like I said previously, your mum will be VERY VERY proud of you right now.

    Lots of love gorgeous girly :) xxxxxxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aw, thanks Alex. I'm sorry to hear your mum wasn't very well, but thank god she's better, I'm SO pleased for you. Loads of love xxx

      Delete
  11. such a touching post, and i'm sure it will help loads of people just by reading it. thank you for sharing your experience and so sorry you had to go through this xxx

    thebeautyheroes.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks hun, I hope it helps people, that's all I wanted it to do :) x

      Delete
  12. I've already spoken to you on Twitter about how amazing this post is but I HAVE to leave a comment to let you know how amazing you truly are to write this. After everything you've been through, you're so brave and I really admire you for this. I'm lucky that I've never lost someone so close to me, but my auntie had cancer a few years ago, she pulled through but I remember when I was told and I just cried and cried. I can't imagine what you're going/went through, but I think you're an incredible person. I'm really glad that we are Twitter buddies! Remember what I said, always here for you lovely!

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. bless you claud, you're such a lovely girl. I'm sorry you had to lose your Aunty, that must have been awful, I'm always here for you too though, so glad we 'met' on this crazy internet thing :) xxx

      Delete
  13. Hannah your so beautiful inside and out! I can't even imagine what you've been through, but I do know your a very strong person :) I can't help but share my favorite verse with you..hope it doesn't offend anyone but it gets me through everything in life, maybe it will help you as well :)
    "I can do ALL things through he who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 ♡

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is a gorgeous little phrase, thank you so much for sharing it with us all, and thank you so much for your support. It's comments like your one that make me feel like i really AM strong :) We all are xxx

      Delete
  14. Such a beautiful and well written post, it made me cry! So sorry to hear that your mum lost her battle with cancer.

    I am sure she is very proud of you and I am sure she is always with you so make sure you keep talking to her xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you honey, such a sweet comment. I will, sometimes it seems a little crazy and weird, but I guess it's a comfort thing isn't it :) x

      Delete
  15. You are a very strong lady. So sorry about your Mother, she would be so proud of you.
    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us in such a beautiful and thoughtful way.

    ReplyDelete
  16. So glad you wrote this post, you're an inspiration to everyone! I can't imagine going through all that and coming out the other side as the strong, beautiful girl you are today! seriously, you're amazing for it. your mum is so proud of you, i'm sure of it. xxxx
    http://eleanorcos.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you eleanor, for such a lovely supportive comment :) x

      Delete
  17. This was such a beautiful post to have read, and it's so lovely of you to write this and bare your deepest thoughts to help others. I commented the other day saying how I'm sure you Mum would be proud of you and I can't say how much I mean that. This post had me in tears, I personally have not lost anyone just yet, but my Mum lost her husband and my sisters lost their dad at a young age to cancer, and I see how the loss affects them every single day. For as long as I can remember I've always known who he was, so much so that I feel as if I personally knew him. I find that just listening to my family talk about him sometimes really helps them. Thank you for such an inspiring post, your mum will be smiling down at the woman you've become xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. wow han, your comment nearly had me in tears too. I'm so sorry to hear that you've all been through so much, but you're right, talking does help, even though at times it can be extremey difficult. Keep doing what you're doing because you are obviously a very strong lady too, and I'm sure your mums husband and your sisters dad will be proud of who you are too :) xxxx

      Delete
  18. Such a touching post. The thought of losing my mum terrifies me so I can't begin to imagine how it must feel for it to become a reality. I'm sure your mum treasured every one of those last moments with you. I know what you mean about the resentment. I'm going through a horrible time at the moment which involves loss, albeit a very different situation, and it's hard not to look at others who have something you don't and not feel anger or resentment, especially if they're taking it for granted. Thanks for sharing your story with us. xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw I hope so, I know she couldnt really pysically know I was there, but I suppose it comforts me in a strange way. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something horrible at the moment darling, i've already said this on twitter, but if you need anyone to talk to, i'm a pretty good listener. sending you the biggest hug, stay strong xxxx

      Delete
  19. First of all thanks so much for sharing, that's so brave of you and I'm really sorry about your loss hun. I haven't lost someone that close to me yet, but I'm feeling everything you said and I'm sure your mum is looking down being so proud of her daughter and what she has become. You seem like an amazing person. Also I really admire how strong you are and you've once more reminded me to be grateful for what I have and appreciate my beloved ones. I can't thank you enough, I've lost people close to me before but thinking about my parents passing away has me in tears and my heart goes out to you. I'm sure you'll help lots of people with your post. Tweeted you yesterday after I've read your post and texted my mum right away to tell her how much I love her because your post has made an impact on me! Thanks so much for sharing this again, hope you remain as strong as you are now and remember the bbloggers are always there if you need to talk or anything! xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Fisi, that was such a lovely comment. I'm SO glad you let your mum know how much you love her, it's so important to be grateful for people we love every single day isn't it, and it sounds like you do, so well done to you. Thanks you again for such a supportive, gorgeous comment xx

      Delete
  20. What an amazing post. I lost my grandad 15 years ago yesterday, I was 17 and it's still the hardest thing I have ever gone through. My mum n I had always lived with my nana and grandad, he was my best friend and the best father figure I could of ever asked for. I can relate to all the feelings you describe, and even tho it's been 15 years, it still seems like yesterday, and yet s lifetime at the same time.

    Thank you for sharing this with all of us!!!
    Lots of love xxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw you poor thing, I'm so sorry to hear that. Sometimes something that helps me is thinking that although i've lost mym mum, atleast i was lucky enough to have someone so special in my life to miss. I hope this helps. I'm sure your Grandad would be very proud of you for being strong. I know what you mean about time too... its crazy isn't it. I'm always hear if you need a chat anyway hun xxx

      Delete
  21. very very brave of you for writing such a personal and heartfelt post... i've battled with grief over the last 11 years and it's hard. it's funny though... i heard a saying once 'the only certainty in life is death' yet it's one of the hardest things a person goes through... funny isn't it? xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you hun, I'm sorry to hear you're going through grief too. I 100% agree with you on that one, its crazy how the world makes no sense but at the same time makes perfect sense. I found this verse recently that summed it up for me...
      'You have to get hurt. That's how you learn.
      The strongest people out there, the ones who laugh the hardest, with a genuine smile,
      those are the people who have fought the toughest battles.
      Because they've decided that they're not going to let anything hold them down'

      xxx

      Delete
  22. You are truly an inspiration and a role model, your grief will help others and You are a remarkable person to share this with the world and i wish you all the happiness in the future.

    Txxx

    ReplyDelete
  23. Such an amazing post , and may your mom rest in peace , I'm sure she is so proud of you ! i lost my dad when i was 13 years old , it was such a hard thing to go through so i can def. Relate to you! I wish you all the best xx Liyana

    Liyanasadvice.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  24. I must say I LOVE your blog... it's so fresh and clean cut - and full of lovely posts! Rather jealous if I do say so myself!

    www.mywardrobeworkshop.com x

    ReplyDelete
  25. You, are the most amazing lady. I'm sure you get this all the time, but I am always here if you want someone to listen; or get lost in a conversation about complete nothingness! Regardless of whether the people have suffered loss reading this, your words are totally inspiring for anyone's circumstances. I know you've completely flipped my mood today, thank you.xxx

    ReplyDelete
  26. I only found your blog today (which I love) but this is a beautiful post! I'd say your Mum is very proud, thanks for sharing! I lost my Dad two years ago next month, it still feels like yesterday.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hannah this is such a touching post and it must have been hard for you to write, i'm lucky enough not to have lost anyone close to me but i know people that have and its so upsetting. don t wanna sound weird cos i know i dont really know you but im always hear for a chat :) this post will have been comfort for a lot of people xx

    ReplyDelete
  28. I love this post. You describe the past year of my life! I lost my brother and my god, I never knew how painful grief could actually be. Like its a physical pain in your heart as well as your head! I adore this post and its got me thinking I'd like to write something about my own loss.
    Hope your keeping well
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  29. This post is so so lovely, I lost my dad 3 years ago and it was the hardest thing I've ever been through too. He was my favourite person in the whole world and it just leaves such a hole you can never fill. I so get the pretending to be ok thing too, I felt exactly the same and it used to make me so angry xxx

    ReplyDelete
  30. I've just found your blog and started to read through your posts (I love it btw!) and came across this post.
    This post has had me in floods of tears, I lost my Mum to cancer also in September 2009 and haven't been able to really find closure ever since, but i'm slowly but surely getting there. Every day gets easier so keep on going :)
    I'm sure your Mum will be really proud of you xxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  31. You are such a brave girl. Inspirational. My father is currently fighting cancer and he is slowly getting better. I always feel like nobody understands me but after reading this post and all the comments I know I'm not alone. I wished none of you had to go through this but you are all brave and stay strong.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Just came across this post. Hannah - as terribly cheesy as this sounds - you have just completely inspired me. This post is so beautifully written and I just pray that anyone suffering a loss comes across this because I can't even begin to tell you how comforting this is! I'm sure your mum is unbelievably proud of you!

    Elle
    http://theellenextdoor.blogspot.co.uk/
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  33. Hi Hannah. I just stumbled across this post and couldn't read past the first few paragraphs. I lost my mum a few years ago to cancer too; three years this may. Your post reminded me too much of my own experience hence I couldn't bare to read it all. It's so hard. You're really brave for writing this post. I know its so hard... not a day goes by when I don't think about her. As soon as I see someone with their mum, or someone who resembles mine, it crushes me. People are so lucky to still have their mums... One day at a time..x

    ReplyDelete
  34. Reading this made me cry really hard. My mom currently has cancer and I know that I won't have her for much longer either and it hurts a lot to think about because just like you said, there are so many things that she won't ever get to see. My mom and I are so close and every time I think about her passing I get so upset thinking that I won't have her here to ask for advice or to talk about my day. Even though it feels like it a lot of the time, I know that I am not the only one who is going through this or has gone through it. Thanks so much for this post, it has helped a lot. xoxo

    http://www.lifeofahousewife.com

    ReplyDelete
  35. Hi Hannah,
    I've been watching your videos and reading your blog for a while, but only now have a found this post. The reason being that I think I've been looking for written words to explain to me what I'm feeling. I lost my dad on new years day this year, we hit the dreaded 6 month mark this July and I really couldn't get my head around the fact that it's been 6 whole months, yet I still feel the same gut wrenching pain as I did then. Reading that you felt frustrated that people didn't know how to comfort you is exactly what I wanted to read. That's exactly how I feel. My fiance feels sympathy, but really it's empathy I need. I don't know anyone in their twenties that has lost a parent. Unfortunately my poor Dad passed away suddenly, three weeks after his first GP appointment, so there was no time to digest what was happening. I'm pretending to be okay still, and sometimes I genuinely am in a great mood, but on those days I feel guilt for it. Reading this post has highlighted to me that I really need to find a release for this sadness, I think I'll try a diary. I actually feel better for writing this comment. I can't express how grateful I am for this, this was exactly what I've been wanting to find for 6 months. Hopefully now the next 6 months will be easier.

    Take Care,
    Natalie x

    ReplyDelete
  36. i never usually leave comments on blogs but this post really articulated how i feel. i lost my brother 18 months ago, very suddenly. we are a very close family (i have 2 sisters also) and its left a devastating hole in my soul. but what you said about talking to your mum i can relate to too- my brother was the first person i spoke to when i found out i was pregnant, I am due in 8 weeks, and i often turn to him for advice just as i did when he was alive. my mum was recently diagnosed with cancer and she is doing ok, but some days it does become overwhelming. this post has helped me through one of those days. thank you. Bertie

    ReplyDelete
  37. I lost my dad seven years ago and I still cry, hug to you Hannah :) x

    ReplyDelete
  38. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I've never lost someone but reading this made me want to make sure I appreciate them enough while they're here. So beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your story, I'm positive you've helped those who have read this.

    ReplyDelete
  40. When I was 10 years old I lost my grandma to cancer. I was there the last time she was alive, took her hand, & asked her "Please let go"
    I don't know if she could hear me-her eyes were always shut & she was being force-fed food & water through a tube. But maybe she heard 'cause the next day we got a call saying she passed.

    Since then I've lost the 2 most closest family members. My Uncle Dwain on my best friend's birthday August 10th of 2011-also from Cancer. He was my moms last direct family member & her boyfriend left for Afganistan that day.)
    and my abuelito who died on February 4th his 81st birthday.

    It always breaks my heart because the whole family was there when he passed but me because I forgot to bring my boyfriend to see him.
    His last words were "Bendicion"
    Something I ALWAYS ALWAYS said to him when I saw & left on visits. None of the other grandkids said it to him so I feel like he was saying goodbye to me even though I wasn't there.

    Great, crying again.

    I want you to know that every time I hear about your mom I think of the song "Second & Sebring" by Of Mice & Men. It was written for his mother who passed but I find comfort in it to.

    If you listen, make sure to mute it after Shayley says "Your shelter, your peacefulness" and unmute it after you read Austin say "This can't, we won't know. I hope that I make you proud"
    Meaning watch a LYRIC video so you know when they say those things.

    ReplyDelete